It can be hard and good

     Recently, one of my friends was complaining about our job. And I responded, yes, it’s hard, but I love it. And she was shocked. We often discuss challenges and frustrations about our job, and I feel like I’m usually overwhelmed by the amount of work that I still need to do. I realized that even though I also love it, I don’t always express that to her. Possibly because I know that she hates it and is considering quitting. Or because I assumed she saw the good parts too.

              It reminded me of a quote, “It can be hard, and it can be good.” When I worked as a farmer, this was my bosses’ motto. The summer is always the busiest season, and it means long, exhausting work days. But it’s also the best part of the year: everything is alive and there’s so many different types of fresh produce. Customers get excited about local produce, and suddenly the farmer’s market is so busy. It’s easy in those moments to get caught up in the hard: the being exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed. But it’s also important to see the good, and to realize that they can exist together.

              As I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve realized how much it applies to my physical health. I’ve been dealing with worsening symptoms of my chronic illness, and it hasn't been fun. I realized I went to my doctor's office more often in the past two weeks than I went to work. But when I’m struggling with my health, it’s so easy to label days, weeks, or even years as “I was sick.” And yes, sometimes being sick is all consuming. But sometimes other things happen. Especially living with a chronic illness, you realize that life keeps going even when you’re sick.

              Looking back on the semester, I’m tempted to just think about the fact that “I was sick”. I spent so much time in bed, dealing with doctors appointments, and generally just frustrated by how many things my health was preventing me from doing. But I’m trying to remember that even when it’s hard, it can also be good.

              A few days ago I was on campus all day (a rare thing for me anyway, and never happens when I’m sick), because I had meetings and classes. During that day, and looking back at that day, it was easy to get in my head about how stressful that was for me. How I had to wake up early because I wasn’t sure I could eat breakfast. How I sat at lunch with my friends and could barely eat because the idea of food made me so nauseous. How I ended up going to take a nap in my car after lunch because I realized I was too tired to focus on anything, and I woke up to texts from my friends who had worked together to finish a homework assignment I still needed to do.

              But it wasn’t all hard. There were so many good moments also- walking with my friends back from class, laughing about our professor and how all his examples involved either cows or rabbits. The fact that I had meetings in person, which I hadn’t had in the two years since I’ve started this job. The flowers blooming on the trees across campus because it’s finally spring. And the fact that I knew myself well enough to take a nap so that I could be awake for my last class of the day. Knowing that even though I felt terrible for most of it, I still went to classes and meetings, I still learned and participated.

Some of the beautiful flowers on campus

              I’m not saying we need to be positive all the time.  There were absolutely days, even weeks, when I was too sick to get out of bed, and I can’t list a single positive thing about that. Which I think is 100% okay. And there were days when I felt physically fine, yet I wouldn’t describe them as “good days”.

              But I do believe that it’s easy to be busy or overwhelmed or not feel great, and to believe that that’s the only thing going on. I think it can be powerful to realize, that yes, it is hard, but it can also be good.

Starting Over

               “Don't be afraid to start over. This time you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.”- Unknown

              This quote has been everything to me lately. I’ve been sick for the past six weeks, and I don’t know if it’s a flare-up of other chronic illnesses or if it’s something new. But it’s been reminding me of things that I thought I was long past.

              It’s reminded me of the fear of not knowing what will happen next. Being terrified that my body will never recover. Not knowing what new symptoms I’ll start experiencing next, or how they’ll affect my life.

              It brings back memories of endless doctors' appointments. The unclear lab results. The disappointment when tests come back normal. The being dismissed by doctors, until suddenly they call you in a panic when things are more serious than they realized. Long wait times to see specialists who often didn’t have any answers. Endless tests that come back with inconclusive results. Being sent to the ER for mentioning certain symptoms. The new medications with different side effects every time.

              It’s terrifying to think that my illness might have come back. Last time I felt like it destroyed my life. It took away everything I considered my identity: my school, my hobbies, my friends. It took me 2 years to be able to work again, even part time. It took me even longer to learn to trust my body again.

              I wasn’t sure how I could go through that again. The depth of depression it caused. Am I strong enough to go through that again? I don’t know. Managing not just the physical symptoms, but the fear and other emotions, and working with doctors to get answers. How can I do it all again?  I’m also balancing a lot more in my life right now than I was last time it happened, will this all fall apart? Will the life I’ve struggled to rebuild come crashing down again?

              Last time, I was relatively near my hometown, near the doctors. But this time I’m halfway across the country. I’ve had to find new doctors for everything. In a small town, there are not the specialists I worked with before, the doctors who specialize in my conditions and teach at the country’s best medical schools.

              But what I do know is this. I’m not starting over. I am starting from experience. I am afraid, but I can use what I learned last time to help. These are the things I’m doing now, my non-negotiables:

•         I am only working with doctors who respect me and listen to me. I don’t care if they have all the qualifications in the world, if they’ve literally written books on my condition. If they don’t even act like they care about me, it’s not worth my time.
•         I am finding doctors who will advocate for me. Last time I didn’t have a good PCP, so every doctor sent me to different ones, in an endless cycle of referrals. Now, I have an excellent PCP, but he’s halfway across the country and can’t even treat me virtually due to licensing restrictions. But I saw a few different doctors at my school’s health center, and the one I trusted I have made my new PCP.
•         I am preparing for appointments. I get nervous when I meet new doctors, and in the past that has resulted in me barely saying anything, which means I just leave the appointment frustrated by the lack of answers. This time, I’m making a plan before each new doctor I see, with an overview of symptoms, more detailed description of symptoms specific to them, questions for them, and a medication list. That way, when I walk into the appointment, I know exactly what I need to say before I leave.
•         I am getting accommodations from work and school. Last time I didn’t do this, and when I approached my professors they were not accommodating. However, after I went through the formal accommodations process they were very helpful and supportive.
•         I’m asking for support when I need it from my friends and family. Last time, I was ashamed to ask for help, and I felt like I was always being too lazy. Now, I know that the people who I need in my life will help and support me, and I’m not dealing with people who can’t.
•         I’m being nice to myself. Last time, I judged myself constantly. Anytime I couldn’t do something I had previously agreed to do, I felt guilty. When I couldn’t finish things I used to be able to do, I felt broken and lazy. This time, I’m sure I will still feel those same feelings. But I will try not to judge myself for them. Because it isn’t easy being sick, and I am doing my best.
•         I’m prioritizing my health. Instead of doing everything I can to stay on top of work and school, I am putting my health first. I am taking time to cook nutritious meals. I’m exercising when I can. I’m resting when I need to. 

Sometimes starting over can be beautiful

It can be so scary to feel like you’re starting a chronic illness journey, whether it’s for the first time or the fifteenth time. If you’ve been through this before, what have you learned from your experience? Even when it feels impossible, you will get through this. I hope you’re able to find the support and help you need to make it easier for you.

Tips For When Food Makes You Nauseous

     For the past few weeks, I’ve been struggling with nausea. It’s never been a symptom I’ve had long-term before, and it hasn’t been easy getting used to it. I’ve been leaving classes early because I’m afraid of getting sick in class. I’ve avoided eating with other people, or even being around people who are eating. I study vegetable production, and until this started I never realized how much we talk about vegetables. In the class I TA for, the Professor spend a lecture discussing winter squash, and I had to leave when he started naming different squashes. No pictures, no scents, just the thought of food. But one of the hardest things has been forcing myself to eat. 

    I love food, I always have. I love cooking and baking, but mostly I love it because I love eating good food. I choose my career because I want to help more people have access to high-quality food. But lately, nothing is more disgusting than the idea of eating. 

 Here are some tips that I’ve found helpful for eating when you’re constantly nauseous: (note these aren’t for if you’re struggling with vomiting or other problems, but for ongoing nausea with no known cause): 

1. Talk to your doctor. Nausea can be a symptom of many illnesses, and like any new symptom, it’s important to get it evaluated by a doctor, especially if it lasts longer than a few days.

2. Take medication if your doctor will prescribe it. The first time I saw a doctor for this, they didn’t offer medication. Three weeks later, when I saw a new doctor, he offered it and I immediately said I’d try it. It doesn’t fix the nausea, but it does make it go away sometimes when I need it to, and it makes it easier to eat. There are also over the counter medications you can try. 

3. Cook foods that you normally like. Often when I’m sick, I find myself avoiding my favorite foods because I don’t want to associate them with feeling sick. But when you can’t stand the thought of any food, sometimes it can help to remind yourself that this is something you do enjoy, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. 

4. Eat foods that you know won’t irritate your stomach. For me, this means a lot of rice and toast. After a few weeks, I’ve added in vegetables and protein, but I eat the same foods several days in a row once I know I can trust it. I don’t want to eat anything that will make me sicker than I already am. 5. Eat foods that don’t require a lot of cooking. For me, one of the hardest things is walking into the kitchen and forcing myself to cook when I can’t stand the thought of food. It’s much easier to tell myself that I need to eat, then go and grab something from the fridge that’s already cooked and ready to eat. The less time I have to think about food, or smell food, before I eat, the better. I’ve found that minute rice, frozen vegetables, or frozen pre-cooked meals are helpful for this. 

6. If you have to cook, don’t do it right before you eat. If I plan to eat pasta, or something else for dinner that requires some cooking, I’ll do it earlier in the day. That way, if cooking makes me feel worse, I don’t have to then also force myself to eat. 

7. Distract yourself. Usually I try not to read or watch TV while I eat, and instead focus on the food I’m eating. However, when you don’t feel well, the last thing that you want to do is remind yourself that you’re eating. I watch my favorite TV show, listen to a podcast, eat outside, or read a book every time I eat so that I have something else to focus on. 

Eating outside can help distract you while you eat

8. Make sure you’re staying hydrated. Nausea can often be caused or made worse by dehydration, so it’s important to make sure you’re drinking a lot of water, and sports drinks or some source of electrolytes. 

9. Try eating smaller meals throughout the day. Especially if you’re having trouble with an upset stomach, it can help to only eat small amounts at a time. Personally, I haven’t found that this works well for me, but it’s definitely worth trying. 

10. Don’t eat in places with a strong smell. If you can avoid it, try not to eat in places with strong scents, like many restaurants or cafeterias. It can be a lot easier to eat if you’re not already overwhelmed from the smell of food. 

11. Be honest with people you trust. When my friends asked why I wasn’t going to a lunch meeting, I told them that I would be sick if I had to see anyone else eat food. Which was true. I obviously didn’t tell everyone at the meeting that, but it can be helpful to let your friends know what’s going on. That way, if more things come up that you need to say no to, they can understand and will help you find alternatives. 

12. Exercise. It can be hard to exercise when you’re sick, and especially if you haven’t been eating a lot you should be careful. But even going for a five minute walk outside can make you feel better, and might even make you feel hungry. 

    I hope you found some of these tips helpful. What else have you found that works well for dealing with nausea?