What Happened When I Got Help for Depression in Graduate School

             I’ve struggled with my mental health in the past, but never to the sudden severity that I have over the last two months. Earlier this year, I moved to a new city and started a new graduate school program. But over the last few months, I’ve noticed myself becoming increasingly depressed, and recently was alarmed by some of the thoughts I was experiencing.

            Even though I was aware of the resources around me, I didn’t know how to get help. I didn’t want to talk to any of my friends or other people in the program about it. I didn’t even want to tell my family, because I didn’t want them to worry about me. It felt like too much effort to go to the counseling center, and I didn’t want to deal with answering a million questions.

            Even though I really didn’t want to talk about my symptoms, and was afraid of being known as ‘the person with depression’, there was a part of me that did want to talk about it. Everyday when my officemate asked how I was, there was a part of me that wanted to be honest. I even found myself a few times imagining what would happen if I told my advisor, since I knew he would be supportive.

            But as the symptoms got more severe and started to interfere with my everyday life and ability to do my work, I realized I needed to get help. I wanted to share the steps I did (and what happened when I did them) in case they’re helpful to other people.

            First, I went to the Health Center at my University. I also considered calling the Counseling Center, which directly addresses mental health. However, I decided to go to the Health Center for two reasons: I was concerned that there might be a physical component of the depression and wanted bloodwork done, and because I could schedule an appointment online which seemed easier than calling.

            When I went to the Health Center, they were very helpful and understanding. First, the nurse asked a lot of questions and made me do a standard depression assessment survey. Then, the doctor came in and asked more questions. She ordered the bloodwork that I wanted, but also told me that they were concerned and needed me to talk to people at the Counseling Center. So during the appointment, they had me talk to the Counseling Center (they also talked to them and shared their assessment and the answers from the assessment), and the counseling center scheduled an appointment for me later that day. Overall, I really appreciated the doctor that I saw. I felt like my concerns were taken seriously and that they were willing to explore different approaches.

            The Counseling Center appointment was also helpful. The Counseling Center at my university doesn’t do long-term individual counseling due to a lack of staff, so their primary role is to refer you to the appropriate services. They put me on the waiting list to see the psychiatrist on campus, and referred me to a list of local providers I could contact. We also discussed other things I could do in the meantime to support my mental health- prioritizing exercise, time outside, and spending time with friends.

            Overall, I was impressed with the response of the university. Previously, when I’d talked to doctors about depression, I found that they either dismissed my concerns or refused to help me. In all of these interactions, I felt listened to and that my concerns were being taken seriously. I also didn’t feel like I was forced into anything that I didn’t want, and I felt like I had options in next steps. The counselor I saw also followed up with me several times over the next few weeks to make sure that I was following up on the steps that we’d discussed.

            None of these steps solved my depression, but I didn’t expect them to. They did, however, help me take concrete steps to address the depression that I wasn’t capable of taking on my own at the time.

View from a recent hike 

The Question that Helps Me Make Decisions With Depression

             I recently did an intake session with a new therapist. Actually, two intake sessions a week apart because at the first one I responded “I don’t know” to every single question. I was overwhelmed and didn’t feel capable of answering. Luckily, she recognized that and we did the intake again the following week.

            That time, even though I still struggled to answer most of the questions, she asked me a question that’s been helpful ever since. When I responded “I don’t know,” many times, she decided she needed an answer to one of the questions. She said, “What would the answer be if you did know?”

            In the moment, I was frustrated by the question. I knew she was just asking the same question, hoping to make me actually think a little bit and answer. (I didn’t. I feel bad about it, I appreciate that she was trying to help, but I couldn’t.)

            But looking back now, I’m so grateful for the question, and I’ve used it myself since. I’ve been struggling to come up with some projects for work because my boss wants me to be “excited” by them. Which I find comical, the idea that I would be excited about work, when I haven’t felt excited about anything from my depression. But he doesn’t know that. This week, when I sat down to work on them, instead of asking myself what I found exciting, or even what might be interesting, I said to myself, “What if it was interesting? What would it look like then?” That way, instead of just having the annoying thoughts “I don’t care,” I could get my brain to actually think about the question. Maybe I didn’t find it interesting, but I could certainly brainstorm some questions that could be interesting.

            I’ve also found it helpful in getting myself to do tasks around my apartment. Sometimes, with depression, everything feels overwhelming and I don’t know where to start. Something like cleaning the kitchen just feels like too much, so I end up sitting on the floor not doing it. The other day, I was washing the dishes, and I really didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t get out of the mindset of “this is stupid. I don’t want to.” So I asked myself, “What if it was done? What if you had a clean kitchen?”

            I also have struggled with low appetite with depression, and find it hard to get myself to eat. I’ve been letting myself eat whatever’s easiest to make, but yesterday when I drove back from the grocery store I thought about how ‘unhealthy’ the food was that I’d been eating- I knew that it wasn’t food that would make me feel my best. I asked myself, “What would it look like if I ate like I wanted to eat? And if I ate like I cared about my body?” Just by asking those two questions, I realized that I needed more fruits and vegetables.

            This question certainly won’t solve everything. But it can be a good reminder that thoughts are just thoughts, and they aren’t always true. It can help me find answers that I know I know, I just can’t see right now under the depression.