The Question that Helps Me Make Decisions With Depression

             I recently did an intake session with a new therapist. Actually, two intake sessions a week apart because at the first one I responded “I don’t know” to every single question. I was overwhelmed and didn’t feel capable of answering. Luckily, she recognized that and we did the intake again the following week.

            That time, even though I still struggled to answer most of the questions, she asked me a question that’s been helpful ever since. When I responded “I don’t know,” many times, she decided she needed an answer to one of the questions. She said, “What would the answer be if you did know?”

            In the moment, I was frustrated by the question. I knew she was just asking the same question, hoping to make me actually think a little bit and answer. (I didn’t. I feel bad about it, I appreciate that she was trying to help, but I couldn’t.)

            But looking back now, I’m so grateful for the question, and I’ve used it myself since. I’ve been struggling to come up with some projects for work because my boss wants me to be “excited” by them. Which I find comical, the idea that I would be excited about work, when I haven’t felt excited about anything from my depression. But he doesn’t know that. This week, when I sat down to work on them, instead of asking myself what I found exciting, or even what might be interesting, I said to myself, “What if it was interesting? What would it look like then?” That way, instead of just having the annoying thoughts “I don’t care,” I could get my brain to actually think about the question. Maybe I didn’t find it interesting, but I could certainly brainstorm some questions that could be interesting.

            I’ve also found it helpful in getting myself to do tasks around my apartment. Sometimes, with depression, everything feels overwhelming and I don’t know where to start. Something like cleaning the kitchen just feels like too much, so I end up sitting on the floor not doing it. The other day, I was washing the dishes, and I really didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t get out of the mindset of “this is stupid. I don’t want to.” So I asked myself, “What if it was done? What if you had a clean kitchen?”

            I also have struggled with low appetite with depression, and find it hard to get myself to eat. I’ve been letting myself eat whatever’s easiest to make, but yesterday when I drove back from the grocery store I thought about how ‘unhealthy’ the food was that I’d been eating- I knew that it wasn’t food that would make me feel my best. I asked myself, “What would it look like if I ate like I wanted to eat? And if I ate like I cared about my body?” Just by asking those two questions, I realized that I needed more fruits and vegetables.

            This question certainly won’t solve everything. But it can be a good reminder that thoughts are just thoughts, and they aren’t always true. It can help me find answers that I know I know, I just can’t see right now under the depression.